| dramatics galore |
[19 May 2005|12:55am] |
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Masakit. Masakit malamang 'phase' lang pala ako sa buhay mo. Lalo pa na sinabi mo sa akin noon na minahal mo ako. Wala naman kasi talaga sa akin kung ako man ang first love mo o hindi. Okay lang din naman kung naka-move on ka na. Karapatan mo naman 'yun eh. Karapatan naman 'yun ng kahit sino. Pero kasi, naniwala akong minahal mo ako. Naniwala akong naging matimbang ako sa puso mo kahit minsan. Ang kaso, ang dating pala eh... You never really loved me. You only liked me. There's a huge difference between the two. You know that. I especially know that. Aside from that, masakit mapagtanto na malaki ang posiblilidad na nagustuhan mo lang ako dahil sa bestfriend ko ang babaeng talagang napupusuan mo. Isipin mo na lang kung anong naging dating nun sa'kin. Ang dating, naging panakip butas lang ako. Hindi mo na nga ako minahal tulad ng sinabi mo, nagustuhan mo lang din naman pala ako dahil nakikita mo siya sa akin. Hindi mo ako nagustuhan sa kung sino o ano talaga ako; kundi, nagustuhan mo ako dahil naaalala mo siya sa akin.
Ang sabi sa'kin ng isa naming kaibigan, baka naman daw kaya mo lang nasabi 'yun dati, eh dahil 'yun talaga ang nararamdaman mo noon. Maaari. Pero, my gut tells me otherwise. Oo, alam kong mahirap mag-assume. At may tendency rin akong makita lang ang gusto kong makita. Pero, masakit kase talaga. Isipin pa lang ang posibilidad na nabanggit ko na, nasasaktan na ako. As much as I don't want to think about it so that I won't get hurt more, I can't. When I see her, when we talk about you, kahit hindi tungkol sa bagay na ito, I remember. I remember every word. Every detail. Every memory. Kaya nga, sana maintindihan niyo kung bakit kailangan kong lumayo.
The friendship has been tainted. I didn't want to believe it before, but now, I do.
Tama ba 'tong gagawin ko? Ayokong lumayo sa'yo... Pero kailangan. Pero... kailangan nga ba? Kailangan ko nga bang sabihin sa'yo? Kailangan ko nga bang lumayo? Gusto kong ipagpatuloy ang pagiging magkaibigan natin... Pero, nasasaktan ako tuwing iniisip ko ang mga nangyari, nangyayari at ang mga maaaring mangyari... Pati ang mga bagay na hindi mangyari-yari....partly because of me na din.
Sabi ni Allan, kung kaya kong tiisin ang sakit, 'wag kong sabihin. Pero kung hindi, sabihin ko na. No pain, no gain. If I want to keep my friendship with you, I would bear whatever pain it would cost to...or so I think.
Ano ba kaseng magandang maidudulot ng pagsasabi ko sa'yo? Ano bang gusto kong mangyari? Bakit ko ba sasabihin pa sa'yo?
Gusto kong maging honest sa'yo. Sa tunay kong feelings sa'yo. Nakikita ko na ngayon kung ano'ng maaaring mangyari. Pagkasabi ko sa'yo, malamang sabihin mo sa'kin, magpanggap na lang tayo na hindi nangyari ito, na hindi ko ito sinabi sa'yo. Sasabihin mong sana'y walang magbabago sa pagitan natin. Na tulad pa rin sana sa dati.
Naging linya ko na rin 'yan. Pero ngayon, tanggap ko na na imposibleng mangyari 'yun. Nothing is ever the same. Everything will change, and we have to accept that.
Maybe I should just tell you, after all? Tapos, let's just see what happens next?
But that's just plain impulsive. Ayoko ng maging impulsive. Gusto kong pag-isipan muna 'to. Isang bagay na ginawa ko dapat dati. 'Yun nga lang... Napapasobra naman ata ako ng isip... O... tama lang ba? Naguguluhan na ako. Sobra.
After kong sabihin sa'yo... Ano'ng gusto kong mangyari? Gusto kong maging magkaibigan pa rin tayo. Gusto ko lahat as is. Pero... posible ba 'yun? Posible bang mangyari 'yun ng hindi tayo nagpapanggap na hindi ito nangyari? Pa'no tayo magiging magkaibigan uli ng hindi nagpapanggap?
Nalagpasan naman natin 'yung nung fourth year. Awkward moments, pero, nalampasan natin. Siguro ganun lang talaga 'yung process. Ganun lang uli 'yung kailangan nating malampasan. Ganun...lang...uli?
Lumayo. Kailangan ko nga bang lumayo pa? Depende na nga rin siguro sa'kin 'yun, noh?
I'm putting trust on our friendship. Probably even more than I should, but then again, this is something I failed to do before. Had I put enough trust on the strength of our friendship before, this wouldn't have become as complicated as this is for me... or for whoever else is involved.
Do I need to go away? I guess I would have to tell you whatever it is that I have to tell you before I decide to go, or not.
I am telling you all this for closure. I need closure to move on. Alam kong wala naman nang mangyayari pa sa'tin, romantically speaking. I just need to do this, to tell you this, because I want to be honest with you. Feeling ko kase, dito lang magtatapos ang issue na 'to para sa'kin. 'Pag nasabi ko na sa'yo. Wala na naman sigurong kaso sa'yo 'yun, di ba? Kase matagal ka na namang over dito. It's just that, I want to do this for myself, at para na rin wala akong itinatago sa pagkakaibigang ito.
Mahal pa rin ba kita? Oo. At nahalo na ang hindi platonic sa platonic love. Isang dahilan kung bakit sinasabi ko rin sa'yo 'to, para unti-unti ko ng mai-ease out ang hindi platonic sa platonic.
Magalit ka sa'kin, kung kinakailangan. Alam ko, maaaring wrong timing ako and everything. Pero, please. Don't pretend that this did not happen. This happened. This is happening. Deal with it. Mas matatanggap ko pang galit ka sa'kin kesa magpanggap ka na hindi nangyari ito. Masakit, pero mas okay 'yun, kase 'yun ang totoo.
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| troubled |
[12 Apr 2005|12:53am] |
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Pagod na akong mag-assume. Pagod na rin akong umiyak. Pagod na akong masaktan, pero, kahit pa, parang hindi pa rin ako pagod magkimkim at magparaya.
I admire you for your sheer strength. I've always thought that you and I were alike, but then again, after what had happened, I guess, we really aren't. I wish I had your guts, your presence of mind, your love for liberation--so I wouldn't be hurting like this. I wish I could do the same thing you did, if not for you and him, but for me. This has taken far too long, and the pain far too unbearable. But what can I do if I'm simply just a coward hiding behind a mask of supposed strength and will power?
This is not a simple matter. After all the years that I have kept this in me, the issue has become too compounded to comprehend it easily--even by my own self.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see him and her, and yet another guy who's tangled in my confusing web without him even knowing it. I have been dreading to come over tomorrow, but they're my friends, we're still friends--that is, until I tell them whatever this is that's long been pent up in me. I already made a promise to come tomorrow.
Somehow, I'm glad that you're coming tomorrow. At least, you'd provide ample distraction to my foreboding depression. I just don't know how I'd act when I'm with them, given the fact that I already know she told him, and that he once told me he loved her. After Sunday, all I wanted to do was enter a state of solitude, and think. I'm not in the mood to be in my usual hyper and perky-perky self. Not with anyone, especially not with them. You being there would give me a reason to at least act normal, and not arouse any suspicions with them.
I don't like to be a party pooper, and given another choice, I would choose not to go. But I already promised to go. Backing out this late would only cause more trouble. I don't want to pretend and repress yet again, that's why I'm glad you're coming. At least I won't come off too suspiciously aloof and quiet. I'm sorry if you've become my unaware scapegoat yet again... I have no reasons to justify my case, but I sure hope you'd understand, if and when you find out.
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| the look. |
[07 Mar 2005|11:09am] |
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I took one from the ground,
You took one from the tree.
I took it from you,
But I know,
It really wasn't for me.
(My poetry never got past grade school/limerick level. -_-")
Sorry for the hasty move. I'll make it up to you, someday, when you finally decide to let me do something for the two of you.
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